DISCLAIMER - while the following post lists a few psychopathologies that I once believed I suffered from, I recognise that I do not suffer from any of these - certainly not to a clinical level - and do not wish to give the impression that I am comparing my own problems to those of people who actually do suffer from debilitating psychopathologies.
So I need to write a personal statement (because apparently
every CV needs one...
(although seeing as the person that told me that told me that I have zero chance of ever getting a job anyway... should I really bother?)).
The first thing that I've heard you should do is come up with a list of adjectives to describe yourself.
This is also the first place where I typically fail. There are two reasons for this:
1) If I spend too much time thinking about it, I realise that I hate myself.
2) Although I disagree on many of the details, I broadly agree with Bandura, Mischel and the other one's Social Learning Theory derived view that there is no such thing as personality, just a series of context-dependent behaviours derived from previous experience.
As you may gather from the second point, I did A-level Psychology.
But before you run away screaming in fear of some pre-academic wittering on as though an A-level gives you any real grasp of a subject (which it doesn't), this is not about Psychology.
This is about something much, much worse.
Me.
As you may gather from it being enormous and bold, this next bit is the crucial take-away point here.
I spent the entire A-level self-diagnosing with just about every personality disorder going.
Which I now realise may have some purpose.
I shall start by listing the things that I thought could be wrong with me...
Psychopathologies:
1) OCD.
2) Paranoid Schizophrenia.
3) Bipolar/Manic Depression.
4) Mild(ish) Sociopathy.
5) Autistic.
6) Insecure Avoidant (Ainsworth and Bell).
The next step is to outline the behaviours that were suggestive of each of these issues.
1) "OCD" - certain things (not all) must be in perfect order. Once order is lost from said things (most notably books, DVDs, and other things for which the order does not technically matter), my life descends into chaos and hope vanishes. When something in my life has been interfered with by someone else, the pit of despair is most readily escaped from by scattering a couple of hundred DVD cases on the floor and alphabetising them.
Or filing a photograph of an insect in detailed taxonomy.
2)i) "Paranoid schizophrenia" - I get less done than I should because some part of me constantly criticising everything I do and evaluating every action for the worst outcome that can be "reasonably" expected (for which we add another little discussion point (below)), and it's not unusual for me to think that randomers on the street are talking about me/laughing at me. Narcissistic on some twisted level, I know. But having been teased (not in my imagination) quite extensively at school, not unrealistic.
2)ii) My version of reasonable is a little beyond reasonable. Aged 21 I convinced myself that an entire suburb of Nottingham was in a Different dimension. One year on I still half-believe that any footpath I haven't seen before is a portal to the distant past. And don't even get me started on swimming alone.
3) "Bipolar/manic depression": Everyone has ups and downs. On the extreme up, I have thought I was some kind of God (I'll not be specific here in case any real ones out there get offended and smite me where I sit), and at the lowest end (most recently brought about by the evil bitch nice lady at hell the job centre), the thought of laying my head down on the road in front of the wheel of a moving bus and seeing it pop like a grape was very tempting. In the "up" phase, I impart more information than anybody needs to know about any point anyone bothers to make, and tend to dominate conversations whether anyone wants me to or no. In the down phase, I want a hollywood style apocalypse to wipe out everyone on the planet except me and perhaps a few tolerable acquaintances.
4) "Mild(ish) Sociopathy" - I am uncomfortably aware that my moral priorities do not always match up with everyone else's. I'm not certain that anyone finds morality as an instinct, but I do suspect that most are not as coldl and analytical in their moral decisions. This is - unusually - not something I consider to be a negative. I usually know whether something I do is right or wrong because I have almost always taken the time to think about it. A lot of people think they separate right from wrong but are actually just following through with what they society expects them to see as right and wrong, and are thus at more dangerous of "following the traffic" over the speed limit (e.g. Nazi Germany, Boer War etc.).
5) "Autistic" - a general failure to understand the pleasure in certain popular pastimes. Other than that, the key points of this are distributed through the others.
6) Insecure Avoidant - This is the only one that I am confident actually applies. I have a difficulty with long-term attachments to people (strangely, I have difficulty not becoming attached to almost anything else). The trouble with my response to feelings of social inadequacy is that - when in a social situation where I feel uncomfortable, I have taken to pushing myself right through that door, becoming apparently extroverted, egotistic and showing my atrocious sense of humour for all to see. So the people who don't run screaming think that I have a special bond with them, and then I fail to make any contact for three years... Some people tolerate this (and become what could be loosely termed friends) others can get offended.
Part three involves breaking these down into adjectives.
1) "OCD" - Organised(Easy); Stubborn;
2) "Paranoid Schizophrenic" i) Self Critical; Self-evaluating; Negative; Pessimistic;
ii) Delusional;
3) "Bipolar" - Can appear to be: Egotistic; Depressive; Loquatious; Know-it-all; Self-destructive; Extroverted; Inconsistent; Verbose; Quiet; Non-contributary; Domineering; Aggressive; Defensive; Passive; Disinterested; Exciteable; Insecure; (see why I thought I was bipolar?);
4) "Mild(ish) Sociopathy" - Cold; Analytical; Utilitarian; Amoral (but not immoral);
5) "Autistic" - Socially inadequate;
6) Insecure Avoidant - Antisocial; Shy; Introverted,
Dissociate from their roots and list them:
Organised, Stubborn, Self Critical, Self Evaluating, Negative, Pessimistic Delusional, Egotistic, Depressive, Loquatious, Know-it-all, Self Destructive, Extroverted, Inconsistent, Verbose, Quiet, Non-contributary, Domineering, Aggressive, Defensive, Passive, Disinterested, Exciteable, Insecure, Cold, Analytical, Utilitarian, Amoral, Socially inadequate, Antisocial, Shy, Introverted.
Find something positive to say about each one (or at least neutral).
Use a thesaurus as necessary
(highlighted red is negative, green is positive and yellow is somewhere in between)
- Organised is already positive.
- Stubborn shows commitment - Committed.
- Self-Critical and Self Evaluating both suggest that I Strive for self-improvement.
- Negative/Pessimistic/Depressive(you could say Realistic) - can we say Balanced? Is that appropriate here? Yes, perhaps I'm not emotionally well-balanced, but by contemplating the worst possible scenarios I certainly Take a Balanced View...
- Delusional - Creative
- Egotistic - is more pleasantly described as Confident
- Loquatious/Verbose - is effectively the same as Engaging
- Know-it-all - twists nicely to Knowledgeable
- Self Destructive... difficult... one can't say committed, because I am certain that I will not actually self destroy... which suggests that I consider something worth living for, which means that on some level I am Positive.
- Extroverted isn't really a negative, but it becomes more broadly applicable if I say that I am Outgoing
- Inconsistent shows that I am Flexible.
- Quiet could be taken to mean that I am Contemplative
- Passive and Non-contributary mean that I am Capable of Taking a Back Seat.
- Domineering is also Instigative. That is a word, but not a great one. Lets keep it simple by saying that I am Happy to Instigate.
- Aggressive is similar... definitely not a positive... unless we combine it with Defensive and conclude that I am Assertive when required.
- Disinterested means that I am.... How the hell does anyone make that positive? That's a little bit like republicans trying to make their wilful ignorance seem positive. So where does my disinterest stem from? I say that I'm disinterested because on occasion I have the attention span of a gnat, which is largely because I've become Interested in something else, so you could turn this one right around and say that I have a Thirst for Knowledge.
- Exciteable? Is it entirely a negative when it just shows that I am Passionate and Enthusiastic?
- Socially Inadequate and Insecure just says that I have doubts about myself and my abilities, which basically says that I am Open to Criticism.
- Cold is the same as Detached, which says that I can take a step back and put things in Perspective.
- Analytical? Is this a negative? Not in context. It says that I am Observant and have good Attention to Detail.
- Utilitarian... could once - and in certain situations still could - be considered a positive. However, for the purposes of this exercise, let's say that I am Unbiased and able to Prioritise.
- Amoral - we've already covered that I don't see this as entirely negative, and by seperating me from the blind morality that people draw from societal expectations, I'd say this makes me Tolerant of other people's world views.
- Antisocial - obviously I don't mean this in the sense of vandalism and violent crime (neither of which I do or support). I'm using it in more-or-less the same way as Shy. And if I don't always want to be in a crowd, that must meant that I'm happy working alone, which means that I am Independent.
- Introverted is generally used as a euphemism for shy, which tells you that its meaning is not innately negative. A negative spin would really be Self-Absorbed, so finding the positive of that to escape the negative association with shy says that I am Reflective.
So, in addition to producing a nauseatingly fauvist spread of highlighted descriptive words and phrases, I have managed to show myself that I am:
Organised; Committed; Creative; Confident; Engaging; Knowledgeable; Positive; Outgoing; Flexible; Contemplative; Assertive; Interested; Passionate; Enthusiastic; Observant; Unbiased; Tolerant; Independent; Reflective; Open to Criticism; Capable of Taking a Back Seat; Good at Prioritising; Happy to Instigate; Striving for Self-Improvement; Taking a Balanced View; Having a Thirst for Knowledge; Having Perspective; and Having Good Attention to Detail.
The next step is to flesh these out into a personal statement.
I'll get back to you on that one.
Oh, and by the way...
Disclaimer 2: In addition to recognising that I do not claim to suffer from any of the above listed disorders, please note that saying that I can be Depressive/Depressed is not the same as saying that I suffer from Clinical/Major Depression. There has been an unfair tendency to criticise those who use the word for anything other than the diagnosable disorder, but it literally means that one is feeling down. Which covers everything from having a bad morning to wanting to kill yourself, and is not limited to meaning the disorder.
Smivel out.
