Personal Statement Part ii... the elimination round.

So, having got past the "I hate me, how do I say that nicely in a personal statement?" part (here, in case you're interested),  I now have to find some way to whittle down the nauseating string of positive adjectives into a personal statement.



Based on the adjectives that I managed to twist out of my self loathing, I could say that I am an organised, committed, creative, engaging, positive, outgoing, flexible, contemplative, observant, unbiased, tolerant, reflective individual who is independent and happy to instigate, but good at taking a back seat, confident but constantly striving for self improvement and open to criticism, passionate and enthusiastic but having perspective, taking a balanced view, knowledgeable and with a thirst for knowledge, assertive with good prioritising skills and attention to detail, looking for work in the environmental sector with a long-term view of furthering my higher education.

But that is long, boring and wordy. Not that I'm in a position to, but I wouldn't hire someone so... immodest. In fairness, if I was a recruiter (which I am not), I would prefer to hire someone who put no personal statement because they feel that singing one's own praises is trite and - more importantly - vain.

I feel slightly unwell. And the point of the exercise is to feel better about myself, not to want to vomit on myself.

Because of the way that I  came up with these adjectives (which is far too long to go into within brackets) some of these words are redundant. The next task, then, is to group associated and/or interchangeable words:





positive
knowledgeable / engaging

contemplative / reflective
observant / attention to detail / organised


flexible/ independent / happy to instigate / creative / good prioritising skills
confident / assertive / outgoing

flexible / tolerant / good at taking a back seat


tolerant / open to criticism / striving for self improvement
committed / passionate / enthusiastic / thirst for knowledge

having perspective / taking a balanced view / unbiased

You may notice that flexible and tolerant are both included twice: flexible because it says that I can lead or follow (independent or taking a back seat), tolerant because it says that I can take leadership and advice (taking a back seat and open to criticism.

So the next step is to try and make sure it doesn't sound cliche. 

Let's get rid of:

Positive - in the current economic climate, it says a lot about you that you can spend 8 months unemployed and stay positive, but it's a little bit... peripheral.

Attention to detail - I was on a "how to get employed" course a while ago (can you tell it didn't work?) and one of the words that everyone used and it annoyed me that the lovely instructor didn't pick up on was "Attention to detail." I'm not exaggerating when I tell you that out of the five other people there, all of them included "Attention to detail" on their draft personal statements.

Of the two remaining, observant and organised... organised is not something to boast about. It's either required or not required, and you're not expected to apply for administrative posts if you're not organised. Stating the obvious in such an application might make them question whether you are actually organised. Well, if they were me.

So that's out.

(Do bear in mind that recruitment agencies use the most twattish thing ever to sift through CVs - automated keyword searches. And guess what? Automated keyword searches ignore the people that have used more original language and go for the drones. However, quite where in your CV the word is doesn't matter to the bot, so it could be an idea to put spare/commonly used words... between the lines*)

Between contemplative and reflective, I would tend towards contemplative. Reflective conjures images of someone daydreaming philosophies in the back of biology class. It's out.

Because they are a little less wound, the "independent" words are difficult to get rid of. Independent itself is again, a bit of a cliche and (I think I recall hearing) has gained a sort of stigma as it may mean that someone is impossible to get on with. It's out. Good prioritising skills feels like organised - if you're applying for a position where you have to prioritise, and you're saying you can lead, it's pretty much assumed that you know where you stand on getting the cake out of the oven or the baby out of the burning building. And less cut-and-dry cases. It's gone. 

Flexible is generally a useful one to keep in, and creative I'm going to hold onto as it's a little bit outside of the "independent" box. Happy to Instigate, then, is going to stand for independent here (although it is liable to tweaking later in the game...)

Outgoing sounds too much "I'm going to climb a mountain and then jump out of a plane" for most jobs (although I would imagine it's a useful hidden keyword for sales positions). Confident sounds a little bit overblown ("I know I'm wonderful, just hire me!" sort of thing). That may be the point, but Assertive is a good word because it tells them that you're not going to be in their face, but that you aren't going to just sit back and take abuse, either. It is possibly a bit cliche, but it's cliche because it's a very good thing to be that is not a prerequisite, and, if you have an assertive bone in your body (even if, like mine, it's in one of your toes), it may be worth keeping it (the adjective, not the bone) in for the semi-final.

I'm in two minds about Tolerant. It sounds a little bit like Nick Griffin (British Nationalist Party racist bigot leader, just in case you didn't know) saying "Some of my best friends are black!" (Although I doubt he'd say something like that and lose his single voter). Regardless that it's not actually about seperating yourself from ethnic/religious intolerance, but rather about tolerating bosses who are assholes (with me being British, that means "donkeyholes", which is infinitely less insulting than the alternative and need not be censored), it sounds like you're trying to cover up that you're actually an intolerant jerk. It can be different in context, of course, and may be another useful hidden word.

Open to criticism versus striving for self improvement is dealt with as such: which one takes a more active role? Striving for self improvement. It says you're not just open to criticism, you actively seek out criticism and advice to make yourself better. It wins. 

Now we come to committed, passionate, enthusiastic and thirsty for knowledge. 

These ones are difficult. The first three sound a little bit cliche, and thirsty for knowledge sounds wierd without one of them. It's going away (for now). Eager to learn may be a better one to say that you eat knowledge for breakfast, but if we use striving for self improvement, we cover that ground anyway.

Passionate is a little too informal, unless you're going for good cause work. It's disappearing from generic personal statementland in the meantime. Committed and enthusiastic work reasonably well together, so they both stay, for now. 

Taking a balanced view is clearly a messy way of saying unbiased. It's going, although unbalanced is another one for the invisible keywords if I suspect auto-filters are in use. As for having perspective... it sounds like it would be appropriate if you're applying to work in, for example, a funeral home, and are no stranger to grief, but it sounds a little out of place otherwise. Unbiased is great if you want to be a judge, but Objective might be better here.

So far, then, we're down to:
Knowledgeable, Engaging, Striving for self improvement, Contemplative, Observant, Flexible, Happy to Instigate, Creative, Assertive, Good at taking a back seat,  committed, enthusiastic and Objective.

This still seems a bit much - if I was to say:

"I am a knowledgeable and engaging  zoology graduate from the University of Nottingham, looking for work in the [e.g. customer service industry]. I am assertive but observant and flexible, happy to instigate or to take a back seat, and would enthusiastically commit to a role that makes the most of my objectiveness while challenging my creativity and allowing opportunities for self improvement."

it would seem a little bit... crowded. In particular Objectiveness doesn't seem to fit in, and the "but" between assertive and observant makes it seem as though we're using assertive as a euphemism for aggressive (when we just want to say we're capable of aggression when required). 

One option is to thrown in a third sentence (radical, I know):

"I am a knowledgeable and engaging  zoology graduate from the University of Nottingham, looking for work in the [e.g. catering industry]. I am observant, flexible and assertive, capable of instigation and objectively taking direction.  I would enthusiastically commit to a role that challenges my creativity and provides opportunities for self-improvement."

It's pretty keyword rich, and can't be read more than a couple of times, but as a basic structure, it works (more or less...).

However, I don't want something to work more or less - I want something that works. 

And that brings us to the next major hurdle in trouble. 

The first thing I do when proofreading anything (usually longer things, to be fair) is read them aloud. And reading it aloud, I'm getting rid of objective. It just doesn't fit. Other than that, it seems to be ready for someone else to tell me whether it's alright, and to go in pulp CVs in between... 



"I am a knowledgeable and engaging zoology graduate from the University of Nottingham, looking for work in the retail industry. I am observant, flexible and assertive, capable of instigation and taking direction, and would enthusiastically commit to a role that challenges my creativity and provides opportunities for self-improvement."





In other news, I have a rejection from Cardiff on their otters job.

Not unexpected, and at least they got back to me. And it wasn't right after the closing date, either, which means they must have thought about it. I would make this relevent by saying that they would have given me the job if I'd had a personal statement, but as it turns out, most of the jobs I apply for don't even want to see your CV, but rather require you to fill out an application form.









*By between the lines I mean throw invisible keywords into your CV. By colouring them white and putting them either in headers or footers or after fullstops, you keep them invisible but make sure the bots don't pass you by because you can think for yourself and/or use a thesaurus. 

Personal Statement... Finding something nice to say when I hate myself.

DISCLAIMER - while the following post lists a few psychopathologies that I once believed I suffered from, I recognise that I do not suffer from any of these - certainly not to a clinical level - and do not wish to give the impression that I am comparing my own problems to those of people who actually do suffer from debilitating psychopathologies. 



So I need to write a personal statement (because apparently every CV needs one... (although seeing as the person that told me that told me that I have zero chance of ever getting a job anyway... should I really bother?)). 

The first thing that I've heard you should do is come up with a list of adjectives to describe yourself. 

This is also the first place where I typically fail. There are two reasons for this:

1) If I spend too much time thinking about it, I realise that I hate myself.

2) Although I disagree on many of the details, I broadly agree with Bandura, Mischel and the other one's Social Learning Theory derived view that there is no such thing as personality, just a series of context-dependent behaviours derived from previous experience. 

As you may gather from the second point, I did A-level Psychology.

But before you run away screaming in fear of some pre-academic wittering on as though an A-level gives you any real grasp of a subject (which it doesn't), this is not about Psychology.

This is about something much, much worse. 

Me. 

As you may gather from it being enormous and bold, this next bit is the crucial take-away point here.

I spent the entire A-level self-diagnosing with just about every personality disorder going.

Which I now realise may have some purpose. 

I shall start by listing the things that I thought could be wrong with me...

Psychopathologies:

1) OCD.

2) Paranoid Schizophrenia.

3) Bipolar/Manic Depression.

4) Mild(ish) Sociopathy.

5) Autistic. 

6) Insecure Avoidant (Ainsworth and Bell).

The next step is to outline the behaviours that were suggestive of each of these issues.

1) "OCD" - certain things (not all) must be in perfect order. Once order is lost from said things (most notably books, DVDs, and other things for which the order does not technically matter), my life descends into chaos and hope vanishes. When something in my life has been interfered with by someone else, the pit of despair is most readily escaped from by scattering a couple of hundred DVD cases on the floor and alphabetising them.

Or filing a photograph of an insect in detailed taxonomy.

2)i) "Paranoid schizophrenia" - I get less done than I should because some part of me constantly criticising everything I do and evaluating every action for the worst outcome that can be "reasonably" expected (for which we add another little discussion point (below)), and it's not unusual for me to think that randomers on the street are talking about me/laughing at me. Narcissistic on some twisted level, I know. But having been teased (not in my imagination) quite extensively at school, not unrealistic.

2)ii) My version of reasonable is a little beyond reasonable. Aged 21 I convinced myself that an entire suburb of Nottingham was in a Different dimension. One year on I still half-believe that any footpath I haven't seen before is a portal to the distant past. And don't even get me started on swimming alone. 

3) "Bipolar/manic depression": Everyone has ups and downs. On the extreme up, I have thought I was some kind of God (I'll not be specific here in case any real ones out there get offended and smite me where I sit), and at the lowest end (most recently brought about by the evil bitch nice lady at hell the job centre), the thought of laying my head down on the road in front of the wheel of a moving bus and seeing it pop like a grape was very tempting. In the "up" phase, I impart more information than anybody needs to know about any point anyone bothers to make, and tend to dominate conversations whether anyone wants me to or no. In the down phase, I want a hollywood style apocalypse to wipe out everyone on the planet except me and perhaps a few tolerable acquaintances. 

4) "Mild(ish) Sociopathy" - I am uncomfortably aware that my moral priorities do not always match up with everyone else's. I'm not certain that anyone finds morality as an instinct, but I do suspect that most are not as coldl and analytical in their moral decisions. This is - unusually - not something I consider to be a negative. I usually know whether something I do is right or wrong because I have almost always taken the time to think about it. A lot of people think they separate right from wrong but are actually just following through with what they society expects them to see as right and wrong, and are thus at more dangerous of "following the traffic" over the speed limit (e.g. Nazi Germany, Boer War etc.). 

5) "Autistic" - a general failure to understand the pleasure in certain popular pastimes. Other than that, the key points of this are distributed through the others. 

6) Insecure Avoidant - This is the only one that I am confident actually applies. I have a difficulty with long-term attachments to people (strangely, I have difficulty not becoming attached to almost anything else). The trouble with my response to feelings of social inadequacy is that - when in a social situation where I feel uncomfortable, I have taken to pushing myself right through that door, becoming apparently extroverted, egotistic and showing my atrocious sense of humour for all to see. So the people who don't run screaming think that I have a special bond with them, and then I fail to make any contact for three years... Some people tolerate this (and become what could be loosely termed friends) others can get offended. 

Part three involves breaking these down into adjectives.

1) "OCD" -  Organised(Easy); Stubborn;

2) "Paranoid Schizophrenic" i) Self Critical; Self-evaluating; Negative; Pessimistic;

                                               ii) Delusional;

3) "Bipolar" - Can appear to be: Egotistic; Depressive; Loquatious; Know-it-all; Self-destructive; Extroverted; Inconsistent; Verbose; Quiet; Non-contributary; Domineering; Aggressive; Defensive; Passive; Disinterested; Exciteable; Insecure; (see why I thought I was bipolar?);

4) "Mild(ish) Sociopathy" - Cold; Analytical; Utilitarian; Amoral (but not immoral);

5) "Autistic" - Socially inadequate;

6) Insecure Avoidant - Antisocial; Shy; Introverted,

Dissociate from their roots and list them:

Organised,     Stubborn,     Self Critical,     Self Evaluating,     Negative,     Pessimistic     Delusional,     Egotistic,     Depressive,     Loquatious,     Know-it-all,     Self Destructive,     Extroverted,     Inconsistent,     Verbose,     Quiet,     Non-contributary,     Domineering,      Aggressive,     Defensive,     Passive,     Disinterested,     Exciteable,     Insecure,     Cold,      Analytical,     Utilitarian,     Amoral,     Socially inadequate,     Antisocial,     Shy,     Introverted.

Find something positive to say about each one (or at least neutral). 

Use a thesaurus as necessary

(highlighted red is negative, green is positive and yellow is somewhere in between)

• Organised is already positive.
• Stubborn shows commitment - Committed. 
• Self-Critical and Self Evaluating both suggest that I Strive for self-improvement.
• Negative/Pessimistic/Depressive(you could say Realistic) - can we say Balanced? Is that appropriate here? Yes, perhaps I'm not emotionally well-balanced, but by contemplating the worst possible scenarios I certainly Take a Balanced View...
• Delusional - Creative 
• Egotistic - is more pleasantly described as Confident 
• Loquatious/Verbose - is effectively the same as Engaging 
• Know-it-all - twists nicely to Knowledgeable
• Self Destructive... difficult... one can't say committed, because I am certain that I will not actually self destroy... which suggests that I consider something worth living for, which means that on some level I am Positive.
• Extroverted isn't really a negative, but it becomes more broadly applicable if I say that I am Outgoing
• Inconsistent shows that I am Flexible.
• Quiet could be taken to mean that I am Contemplative
• Passive and Non-contributary mean that I am Capable of Taking a Back Seat.    
• Domineering is also Instigative. That is a word, but not a great one. Lets keep it simple by saying that I am Happy to Instigate.
• Aggressive is similar... definitely not a positive... unless we combine it with Defensive and conclude that I am Assertive when required.
• Disinterested means that I am.... How the hell does anyone make that positive? That's a little bit like republicans trying to make their wilful ignorance seem positive. So where does my disinterest stem from? I say that I'm disinterested because on occasion I have the attention span of a gnat, which is largely because I've become Interested in something else, so you could turn this one right around and say that I have a Thirst for Knowledge. 
• Exciteable? Is it entirely a negative when it just shows that I am Passionate and Enthusiastic?
• Socially Inadequate and Insecure just says that I have doubts about myself and my abilities, which basically says that I am Open to Criticism. 
• Cold is the same as Detached, which says that I can take a step back and put things in Perspective.
• Analytical? Is this a negative? Not in context. It says that I am Observant and have good Attention to Detail. 
• Utilitarian... could once - and in certain situations still could - be considered a positive. However, for the purposes of this exercise, let's say that I am Unbiased and able to Prioritise.
• Amoral - we've already covered that I don't see this as entirely negative, and by seperating me from the blind morality that people draw from societal expectations, I'd say this makes me Tolerant of other people's world views. 
• Antisocial - obviously I don't mean this in the sense of vandalism and violent crime (neither of which I do or support). I'm using it in more-or-less the same way as Shy.  And if I don't always want to be in a crowd, that must meant that I'm happy working alone, which means that I am Independent. 
• Introverted is generally used as a euphemism for shy, which tells you that its meaning is not innately negative. A negative spin would really be Self-Absorbed, so finding the positive of that to escape the negative association with shy says that I am Reflective. 

So, in addition to producing a nauseatingly fauvist spread of highlighted descriptive words and phrases, I have managed to show myself that I am:

Organised;  Committed;  Creative;  Confident;  Engaging;  Knowledgeable;  Positive;  Outgoing;  Flexible;  Contemplative;  Assertive;  Interested;  Passionate;  Enthusiastic;  Observant; Unbiased;  Tolerant;  Independent;  Reflective;  Open to Criticism;  Capable of Taking a Back Seat;  Good at Prioritising;  Happy to Instigate;  Striving for Self-Improvement;  Taking a Balanced View;  Having a Thirst for Knowledge;  Having Perspective; and Having Good Attention to Detail.

The next step is to flesh these out into a personal statement.

I'll get back to you on that one.

Oh, and by the way...

SMIVEL

Disclaimer 2: In addition to recognising that I do not claim to suffer from any of the above listed disorders, please note that saying that I can be Depressive/Depressed is not the same as saying that I suffer from Clinical/Major Depression. There has been an unfair tendency to criticise those who use the word for anything other than the diagnosable disorder, but it literally means that one is feeling down. Which covers everything from having a bad morning to wanting to kill yourself, and is not limited to meaning the disorder.

Smivel out.  

See part ii here